Swimming Home
by Phoenix-KaZ
Summary: A song-fic about Jill Valentine as she reflects on her experience in Kijuju and looks to the future. Post RE5. Hints of Chris/Jill.


__**AN: Here you go readers! My first song-fic. The song is from Evanescence's new self-titled album, and the sad yet hopeful mood of the song made me think of Jill Valentine post-RE5. So I thought I would write this up for people.  
><strong>

__**For people who are waiting for the next chapters of UCSH, I'm having trouble with chapter 12. Ive got a slight case of writer's block, and I've been slightly depressed and overwhelmed since school started up again. Hopefully I can write some more between homework assignments. Thank you very much for your patience.  
><strong>

**Disclaimer: I do not own Resident Evil and mentioned characters; they belong to Capcom. I also do not own the lyrics to the song "Swimming Home"; this honor goes to the amazing band known as Evanescence._  
><em>**

_Way down  
>I've been way down<br>Underneath this skin  
>Waiting to hear my name again<br>_

I was a prisoner in my own body. I knew that there was no way out the moment Wesker put that damn bug on my chest. The P30 became my prison, as if being a madman's captive wasn't insulting enough. My body obeyed his will, but at least my mind and spirit were free to think.

I fought his influence as much as my power allowed, but in the end, it was hopeless. Wesker was too powerful. I had no choice but to obey the orders he gave me. Failure to do so would produce a nasty electrical shock and another dose from the P30. After months of unwilling obedience, I was overjoyed to announce the BSAA's arrival. I wanted to shout in pure jubilation, but the drug only allowed my voice to emerge in a stern monotone. Despite the dryness of Kijuju, saline tears streamed behind my mask; I couldn't wait to hear Chris' voice say my name lovingly again.

_I'm sorry  
>Nothing can hold me<br>I adore you still  
>If I hear them calling<br>And nothing can hold me_

_Way down_  
><em>(Do you really want me?)<em>  
><em>All the way down<em>  
><em>(Do you really want me?)<em>  
><em>I will hear your voice<em>  
><em>(Do you really want me?)<em>  
><em>But I'll no longer understand<em>  
><em>(No one's really loved me)<em>

I lost count how many times I apologized to Chris and Sheva for what I had done. The extent of my crimes against Sheva's kin surpassed everything I had seen in STARS. The Raccoon City outbreak was incomparable to the deeds I had carried out under Wesker's command. How could I ever forgive myself?

Even after three years of isolation, I was still hopelessly enamored with Chris Redfield. Maybe even more so since he had saved me from myself. No, not myself; my hollow, cold, emotionless corpse of a body.

Voices of my victims echoed in my head. Every day, I would hear their screams and pleas for death as I injected them with Uroboros. They were never the only ones feeling pain; My chest ached with forcefully withheld apologies and the agony of the P30.

Recovering from the P30 had been a struggle in itself. The drug had been pumped into my veins for the past three years, and my newly found dependency on it was taking a toll. Nevertheless, Chris was always by my side.

Chris has always been my anchor, my rock during my time of weakness. Ever since the Mansion Incident, I can barely recall a time when he hasn't been there for me. With every nightmare and repressed memory, Chris held me in his arms, soothing me in a whispered voice while I crumbled. I know I hold feelings for him, but I cannot comprehend their identities. Wesker and all of his Tricell accomplices took away my knowledge and ability to love through several rounds of hellish abuse. Love was another thing I would need to relearn as I recovered, and Chris would be the perfect teacher.

_I'm sorry  
>Nothing can hold me<br>I adore you still  
>But I hear them calling<em>

_I was looking to the sky_  
><em>When I knew I'd be swimming home<em>  
><em>And I cannot betray my kind<em>  
><em>They are here - it's my time<em>

The voices in my head probably will never leave me alone, I think as I gaze out the window of the helicopter. I can rest a little easier knowing that Wesker was dead for good this time around. Now maybe life could be normal. Yeah, right. As long as BOWs exist, the world would remain threatened by bio-weapons and the companies that created them. It would be a while before I would be strong enough to fight against bio-terrorism again, floating in an abyss of exhaustion and solitude.

But my comrades are here with me. That's what matters. I can't begin to tell anyone what my life would have been like if Chris, Sheva, and Josh hadn't come and saved me. I owe them everything.

As the sun rises, I know there are better times in store for all of us. Slowly, but surely, hope will return to humankind. I have suffered enough; it will be my new mission to make sure that this happens. That is, once my health is restored.

_I'm sorry  
>Nothing can hold me<br>(Do you really want me?)  
>I adore you still<br>But I hear them calling - (calling)  
>And nothing can hold me<em>

Chris embraces me tightly but carefully in his strong arms, as if my porcelain skin will crack from too much pressure. A frail, broken body may be my vessel, but my spirit will always have liberty. The scars can be hidden, but will never fade. The voices of the people I hurt in Africa continue to make themselves known, and the memories of Tricell and Wesker live in my nightmares. It will be some time before I am truly rid of the psychological pain. Physical agony is nothing to me; Mentally, I still have a long way to go before I can spread my wings and fly to a place I can call home.

**AN: Done. If anyone has advice for writing song-fics better, send me some tips in a review.  
><strong>

** Please review and hit the button below. Any reviews asking about when the next chapters of UCSH will be posted will be ignored.**


End file.
